My husband is dead. On January 14, 2013, he will have been gone six years. In some ways six years seems like a very long time, in other ways it feels like it happened just yesterday. I still love him. I always will. A lot happened with us, some of it was good~most of it could have been good, great even. But Tom was mentally ill~bi-polar disorder. He was a childhood sexual abuse victim. Those two things ruined his life. He was 57 years old when he died. And he died alone. He didn't have to.
When we first met and were getting to know each other, there were subtle signs. Signs that I either ignored or just didn't notice. And it was these signs that told a story I could not have comprehended until I lived through it, but by then it was too late.
Outwardly, Tom was the picture of success. He was a Captain on the Chelsea Fire Department. Chelsea is just outside of Boston. He was president of his union and had run unopposed for all the years he served. He was loved by the guys. He loved fighting for them and their contract with the city. But Tom felt that he had no identity without the fire department. No one ever knew that about him. They still don't. He exuded a quiet confidence, but it was just an illusion. He spent his life carefully crafting a mask that he wore for everyone, even me. But very soon I refused to accept it and within two days of his death he finally admitted to me that I had been right all along. He had cried and apologized over and over and over again for all the chaos he incorporated into our lives, the lies he told about me in an effort to keep hidden his horrible secret, and for the torture he put me through. These were the things that I had prayed daily for him to tell me. I wanted to help him, I wanted him to get help. I wanted him to get his past into perspective so that he could move forward and we could be happy. I would have done anything for him, I loved him so much. But he was too far gone. He was too afraid.
I am now editing a book I have written about he and I and what happened. It's called The Waterloo. Tom was my Waterloo. The horrors were epic. It is so painful to relive it. But I must do this. For him. For me. I want to get it all in perspective. Honor him. Champion us. Show the world just what I did for my love of this man.
Nowadays, I think of things I might have tried. And I wonder if it would have changed things. Saved us. Postponed his death until a more appropriate age. We both understand it all so much better now and I know that he is free from his pain and finally happy. But I am sad that it couldn't have happened while he was still here in this life. Such a tragedy.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The High Price of Judging Your Children
A friend of mine is on the outs with her daughter. This woman is not a really close friend, I only met her once, but she had been married to my cousin at one time. Because they had 2 kids, she is still connected to the family. We became facebook friends and have really gotten along well. I really like her. She's funny and caring. This is what makes it so difficult. As I said, she and her daughter are not speaking and they have become *unfriended* on facebook.
I really knew very little about the situation until today when I read a post she had written to my aunt (whose son she'd been married to.) All I did know was that her daughter had declared that she is a lesbian and will be living accordingly from now on. That happened several months ago. Apparently she had unfriended her mom before she made that statement on facebook, so it took her mom longer to find out. I felt a little uncomfortable knowing that I knew but her mom didn't.
Marty is very religious. Overly so, I would say. Now I understand that people all express their faiths in different ways and have very definite ideas on right and wrong, but I have my own beliefs and I do not discuss them with anyone. And I don't want to hear anyone else's beliefs. Those are discussions that I rabidly avoid. It is always a no-win thing because you can have two devout Christians but their doctrine and behavior will vary drastically much of the time. For as much as Christians love to talk about things like trying to be more God-like, Jesus being merciful and loving us all unconditionally, showing christian love to everyone and that only God has the right to judge, I have found that most of the Christians I know are the most intolerant and judgmental people I have ever met! You can't disagree with them because they'll tell you why you are in error in your thinking. Either that or they say, "I'll pray for you." I have a couple of friends who are Athiests and they are far more christian than most Christians I know! So, that is why I stay away from that topic.
Now, on to the meat of the story. Marty is devastated to have learned that her daughter, Bailey, is a lesbian, and not ashamed of it. She fears for her daughter's soul and believes she will burn in hell if she does not repent and turn away from this abomination. My heart breaks for Marty because I know she really believes Bailey will go to hell. She said in her facebook post that she cannot support her daughter in this abomination and will fight it with her last breath. I suspect that this means that whenever she sees her daughter she harps on it endlessly and they never talk about anything else. That is sad. What I think Marty is failing to realize is that her daughter can no more feel about a man what Marty could feel about a woman. I've never believed that homosexuality is a choice. No one in their right mind would choose this if they had a choice. When you think about it you see that there are all kinds of aberrations, the tendencies toward cancer, diabetes, and mental illness. So maybe this is something like that. Nature is not perfect, nature does make mistakes, but why are Christians tolerant of those things but not tolerant about homosexuality? I suspect that if you try and make this point with a Christian, they will start quoting the bible and try to convince you that you are lost and need to pray. They always say things like that when they can't argue with your logic. The bible, though it is considered sacred, is nothing more than the writings of mortals who were inspired by their belief in God and there is nothing wrong with that, but the bible is just a human's perspective on God. God/Jesus did not write the bible, it was written about Him. And when you consider the different versions of the bible and that each time it was translated, the authors put their own spin on it so that it probably does not even remotely resemble the original writing. Try saying that to a Christian and they will probably throw their hands up and gasp in abject horror that you could say such a blasphemous thing.
I think Marty feels that her daughter is being tested and that she has failed by not denying her feelings. But what if it's not Bailey who is being tested? What if it is Marty who is being tested? If she is so religious and God-fearing and trying to live a Christ-like life, she has failed. Failed in showing compassion, tolerance and unconditional love and what makes it worse is that she is doing this to her own child. All of these things are not characteristic of the God she claims to love. He has not abandoned Bailey and He never will, but Marty has and she'll likely never see it. I fear more for Marty than for Bailey. At least Bailey is being true to herself. She is doing what feels right and normal to her. God knows what is in her heart and why she feels as she does, after all, he created her. But Marty? She has trashed every beautiful thing that comprises the God she claims to love and worship. On a recent facebook post Bailey said, "My mother always told me to stand up for what I believe in, but what she meant is what SHE believes in." Although Marty is a dear friend now, I believe her daughter is right. And that makes me very, very sad.
My son and I were on the outs recently over a benign comment I made about the presidential election. We have resolved it and are back on track now. So I know what it's like to lose your child for a while. It was only two weeks for me and my son, but it seemed like a lifetime. I can't imagine what this is like for Marty, I know she's doing this because she loves her daughter. And Bailey is hurting over the abandonment by her mom. It's love they feel for each other, but how very different it is from tolerant love.
I really knew very little about the situation until today when I read a post she had written to my aunt (whose son she'd been married to.) All I did know was that her daughter had declared that she is a lesbian and will be living accordingly from now on. That happened several months ago. Apparently she had unfriended her mom before she made that statement on facebook, so it took her mom longer to find out. I felt a little uncomfortable knowing that I knew but her mom didn't.
Marty is very religious. Overly so, I would say. Now I understand that people all express their faiths in different ways and have very definite ideas on right and wrong, but I have my own beliefs and I do not discuss them with anyone. And I don't want to hear anyone else's beliefs. Those are discussions that I rabidly avoid. It is always a no-win thing because you can have two devout Christians but their doctrine and behavior will vary drastically much of the time. For as much as Christians love to talk about things like trying to be more God-like, Jesus being merciful and loving us all unconditionally, showing christian love to everyone and that only God has the right to judge, I have found that most of the Christians I know are the most intolerant and judgmental people I have ever met! You can't disagree with them because they'll tell you why you are in error in your thinking. Either that or they say, "I'll pray for you." I have a couple of friends who are Athiests and they are far more christian than most Christians I know! So, that is why I stay away from that topic.
Now, on to the meat of the story. Marty is devastated to have learned that her daughter, Bailey, is a lesbian, and not ashamed of it. She fears for her daughter's soul and believes she will burn in hell if she does not repent and turn away from this abomination. My heart breaks for Marty because I know she really believes Bailey will go to hell. She said in her facebook post that she cannot support her daughter in this abomination and will fight it with her last breath. I suspect that this means that whenever she sees her daughter she harps on it endlessly and they never talk about anything else. That is sad. What I think Marty is failing to realize is that her daughter can no more feel about a man what Marty could feel about a woman. I've never believed that homosexuality is a choice. No one in their right mind would choose this if they had a choice. When you think about it you see that there are all kinds of aberrations, the tendencies toward cancer, diabetes, and mental illness. So maybe this is something like that. Nature is not perfect, nature does make mistakes, but why are Christians tolerant of those things but not tolerant about homosexuality? I suspect that if you try and make this point with a Christian, they will start quoting the bible and try to convince you that you are lost and need to pray. They always say things like that when they can't argue with your logic. The bible, though it is considered sacred, is nothing more than the writings of mortals who were inspired by their belief in God and there is nothing wrong with that, but the bible is just a human's perspective on God. God/Jesus did not write the bible, it was written about Him. And when you consider the different versions of the bible and that each time it was translated, the authors put their own spin on it so that it probably does not even remotely resemble the original writing. Try saying that to a Christian and they will probably throw their hands up and gasp in abject horror that you could say such a blasphemous thing.
I think Marty feels that her daughter is being tested and that she has failed by not denying her feelings. But what if it's not Bailey who is being tested? What if it is Marty who is being tested? If she is so religious and God-fearing and trying to live a Christ-like life, she has failed. Failed in showing compassion, tolerance and unconditional love and what makes it worse is that she is doing this to her own child. All of these things are not characteristic of the God she claims to love. He has not abandoned Bailey and He never will, but Marty has and she'll likely never see it. I fear more for Marty than for Bailey. At least Bailey is being true to herself. She is doing what feels right and normal to her. God knows what is in her heart and why she feels as she does, after all, he created her. But Marty? She has trashed every beautiful thing that comprises the God she claims to love and worship. On a recent facebook post Bailey said, "My mother always told me to stand up for what I believe in, but what she meant is what SHE believes in." Although Marty is a dear friend now, I believe her daughter is right. And that makes me very, very sad.
My son and I were on the outs recently over a benign comment I made about the presidential election. We have resolved it and are back on track now. So I know what it's like to lose your child for a while. It was only two weeks for me and my son, but it seemed like a lifetime. I can't imagine what this is like for Marty, I know she's doing this because she loves her daughter. And Bailey is hurting over the abandonment by her mom. It's love they feel for each other, but how very different it is from tolerant love.
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